Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Another one bites the dust...errrr crotch.
This has to be one of the funniest I have seen in a long time. Comparable to the panda sneazing and scaring the larger panda...comparable to "oww charlie". Without futher ado..
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My work out regiment for spring break. Featuring Kenny Powers.
Since the new year has come and past there has been a large influx of people attending the gym across the nation. Some of these are the post Christmas burning off the calories, some it's their New Years resolution, and other want the "Beach Body" in anticipation of going somewhere warm for spring break. But lets be honest, we all have these great aspirations go do healthy things in our lives and more often than not we lose motivation. Some have turned to p90x in hopes of becoming fit, only to have their self esteem, confidence and physical well-being destroyed by the man known as Tony Horton.
I on the other hand don't go to the gym because I increased my caloric uptake over break, or because it was my New Years resolution (Mine was to be more respectful of others and nicer to them), or because I am going on spring break down off the coast of Texas..I do it because I want to be fit and not end up like this guy and not be beaten by my wife when she comes home from work..
<== This is what i'm aiming for!
This is the kind of swagger and confidence that I need instilled within me to keep to my workout program. And you know what, Im so serious about this that i might go buy me some "tubes"..NO LIE. Kenny Powers told me that if I buy the tubes I will be able to work secret muscles that I never knew I had.
Well, I knew I had them because I majored in Pre-med my first 2 years of college and took an anatomy class, but try explaining to Kenny Powers that you know something that he thinks is a secret. Kenny Powers even defies the rules of gravity. All attributed to the "tubes". Maybe I dont even need Kenny Powers. Only need the tubes. Although, I wouldnt mind hanging out with Kenny Powers while wearing the tubes and working on my fitness.
I have just shown 4 videos. Four convincing videos of why I have chosen this guy to be my personal trainer. Reasons being: 1. Talks shit to Shockey, no easy task. 2. World jumping record. 3. More confidence and arrogance than the time Kanye went up on stage and embarrassed Taylor Swift. 4. One funny ass mother fucker.
Maybe those weren't the best reasons, but, "All the training in the world doesn't matter if youre doing it like an asshole." And there is some truth to that. In sports everyone says, "practice how you play." In a job setting or while doing chores, "Do it right, or dont do it at all." Normally with that second argument most would think "okay im not gonna do it at all" But we all know in a job setting we would get fired, or with chores pops would give you a swift kick in the ass or something. Both are equally unpleasant. But this next video will definitely get you pumped and ready to work out. Very inspirational.
So here is the plan. Monday, Wednesday, Friday on the first and third week of the month. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday every second and fourth week of the month. We're not gonna do any "school girl" shit. Straight pumping iron. Getting fit. Getting my swell on while im at the gym. Maybe a little cardio...not treadmill sissy stuff, sprints and quickness drills. Im not trying to run a marathon.
This here is a no no:
Here are the goals in mind: Nice to children (need to maintain the New Years resolution) mean to the weight room. Fast as a cheetah, hits like a pissed off rhino. Then cap it off with some sparring so I can defend myself in real life situations with not just words but my fists of fury.
I on the other hand don't go to the gym because I increased my caloric uptake over break, or because it was my New Years resolution (Mine was to be more respectful of others and nicer to them), or because I am going on spring break down off the coast of Texas..I do it because I want to be fit and not end up like this guy and not be beaten by my wife when she comes home from work..
<== This is what i'm aiming for!Damn i'm going to be jacked and a handsome dude.
I have taken it upon myself to seek a world class athlete to serve as my own personal trainer, the same man who looked Jeremy Shockey in the eye and said, "How does it feel to fail?"This is the kind of swagger and confidence that I need instilled within me to keep to my workout program. And you know what, Im so serious about this that i might go buy me some "tubes"..NO LIE. Kenny Powers told me that if I buy the tubes I will be able to work secret muscles that I never knew I had.
Well, I knew I had them because I majored in Pre-med my first 2 years of college and took an anatomy class, but try explaining to Kenny Powers that you know something that he thinks is a secret. Kenny Powers even defies the rules of gravity. All attributed to the "tubes". Maybe I dont even need Kenny Powers. Only need the tubes. Although, I wouldnt mind hanging out with Kenny Powers while wearing the tubes and working on my fitness.
I have just shown 4 videos. Four convincing videos of why I have chosen this guy to be my personal trainer. Reasons being: 1. Talks shit to Shockey, no easy task. 2. World jumping record. 3. More confidence and arrogance than the time Kanye went up on stage and embarrassed Taylor Swift. 4. One funny ass mother fucker.
Maybe those weren't the best reasons, but, "All the training in the world doesn't matter if youre doing it like an asshole." And there is some truth to that. In sports everyone says, "practice how you play." In a job setting or while doing chores, "Do it right, or dont do it at all." Normally with that second argument most would think "okay im not gonna do it at all" But we all know in a job setting we would get fired, or with chores pops would give you a swift kick in the ass or something. Both are equally unpleasant. But this next video will definitely get you pumped and ready to work out. Very inspirational.
So here is the plan. Monday, Wednesday, Friday on the first and third week of the month. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday every second and fourth week of the month. We're not gonna do any "school girl" shit. Straight pumping iron. Getting fit. Getting my swell on while im at the gym. Maybe a little cardio...not treadmill sissy stuff, sprints and quickness drills. Im not trying to run a marathon.
This here is a no no:
Here are the goals in mind: Nice to children (need to maintain the New Years resolution) mean to the weight room. Fast as a cheetah, hits like a pissed off rhino. Then cap it off with some sparring so I can defend myself in real life situations with not just words but my fists of fury.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
10 Things I hate about you (Jets)
I hate the way you talk about my team and Tom Brady, actually I hate when you talk at all. You won the game, congrats, but move on and stop acting like you just won the superbowl, Revis .
I hate the way you scream Super-Bowl after 4 wins.
I hate it when I see your QB Sanchez on commercials despite not being a star athlete along side Drew Brees.
I hate it when your fat dumb-ass coach boasts and everything is "personal" to him. I bet this week is personal with the Steelers because he has never beaten a black coach and doesn't like QB's that rape people.
I hate your team thats full of douche-bags, which ironically is reflective of each of you as a person.
Douche-bag.
Stop worrying about others, and remember your kids names and their birthdays..
I hated your show (Hard Knocks), it just plain sucked and was boring.
This video actually reminded me of this south park episode:
I hate that you turned a great show into something as boring as watching your team play.
I hate your fat gluttonous coach, save some food for those who are starving.
I hate you sense of entitlement and demand of respect when you haven't won anything since SB IIV. Why should you get respect.
I hate the fact that you share a stadium with the Giants. Well I don't actually hate it, but your the only team in the NFL on welfare and borrowing a stadium.
Video endorsed by: TalbotTalks
I hate the way you scream Super-Bowl after 4 wins.
I hate it when I see your QB Sanchez on commercials despite not being a star athlete along side Drew Brees.
I hate it when your fat dumb-ass coach boasts and everything is "personal" to him. I bet this week is personal with the Steelers because he has never beaten a black coach and doesn't like QB's that rape people.
Perhaps you should have kept this one personal...just sayin.
I hate your team thats full of douche-bags, which ironically is reflective of each of you as a person.
Douche-bag.
Stop worrying about others, and remember your kids names and their birthdays..
I hated your show (Hard Knocks), it just plain sucked and was boring.
This video actually reminded me of this south park episode:
I hate that you turned a great show into something as boring as watching your team play.
I hate your fat gluttonous coach, save some food for those who are starving.
I hate you sense of entitlement and demand of respect when you haven't won anything since SB IIV. Why should you get respect.
I hate the fact that you share a stadium with the Giants. Well I don't actually hate it, but your the only team in the NFL on welfare and borrowing a stadium.
Video endorsed by: TalbotTalks
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
What if real life were like World of Warcraft?
While sitting around one day, I'm not sure why, but I happened to be thinking about World of Warcraft (WoW). Probably because of their new commercial that has come out on TV. In any event, I began to wonder what if real life mirrored WoW? (This is actually true for a number of different Role Playing Games (RPG)) The things to do in WoW include leveling to do raids (fighting bosses and getting gear, following the story line) and fighting other players. I'm gonna focus on the leveling and raiding aspect.
Anyways, while questing to get to a higher level and stronger you go around killing animals, running errands and killing computer characters. Many of times these computer characters are just hanging out in caves, huts, buildings, in a field..minding their own business mind you. And their whole purpose in this game, WoW is to sit there and wait to do battle with any player who comes across their path. They don't work or do anything else, but pace around and wait to fight people. The equivalent of this would be a farmer just sitting on his porch with a gun waiting for any moron to wander on his property. More likely than not you're not gonna win that battle in real life. But what if there were people in everyday locations just sitting around waiting to fight you? Like if you wanted to get on the subway you had to fight all the homeless people first? Or if you go into your bosses office and he comes at you like a spider monkey?
IM ALL JACKED UP ON MOUNTAIN DEW!
Or your dad sits at home all day waiting for you to come home to fight you!
Another example of how real life can mirror WoW, raiding. Raiding is when you get a group of 10 or 25 people together to defeat bosses in dungeons and shit. The real world equivalence would be gathering 10 or 25 of your friends, but there is a catch..you need group composition. For sake of explanation its a group of 10. You need 2 people to hold the boss's attention while 5 or 6 of your friends (karate kids, wrestlers, mobsters, boxers, MMA fighters) beat him down...sounds easy of enough.. lastly you need a couple of doctors, nurses or medics to heal everyone during this brawl. So you gather this group and you decide to raid a mental asylum or a prison. You then go around fighting all the inmates and officers..and the final boss is the Warden or head of the mental asylum.. This could all work the same for invading a country and killing their leader I suppose.
This is kind of what it would be like in real life... attacking snowmen...Good God i'm glad i'm not these nerds
While looking up Videos to throw into this blog I couldnt help but stumble on videos of this game ruining others lives. This one cracks me up:
Moreover, i've never understood why it was such a big thing that girls played video games or WoW but i can only imagine whenever a girl plays this game...every time they get a level or something this is what they do . Also I remember my friend telling me that one of his friends said to his gf, "You would be wife material if you would play WoW with me" Oddly enough she took this as a compliment...I cant imagine why.
Another classic as the Hitler scene has been dubbed and re-dubbed over and over again for just about every situation:
In summation, the parallels between WoW (as well as other RPGs) is uncanny. But what if by some chance that was what real life was like? Pretty "vanilla" (WoW term thats used to describe the game in its simplest days) if you were to ask me.
Anyways, while questing to get to a higher level and stronger you go around killing animals, running errands and killing computer characters. Many of times these computer characters are just hanging out in caves, huts, buildings, in a field..minding their own business mind you. And their whole purpose in this game, WoW is to sit there and wait to do battle with any player who comes across their path. They don't work or do anything else, but pace around and wait to fight people. The equivalent of this would be a farmer just sitting on his porch with a gun waiting for any moron to wander on his property. More likely than not you're not gonna win that battle in real life. But what if there were people in everyday locations just sitting around waiting to fight you? Like if you wanted to get on the subway you had to fight all the homeless people first? Or if you go into your bosses office and he comes at you like a spider monkey?
IM ALL JACKED UP ON MOUNTAIN DEW!
Or your dad sits at home all day waiting for you to come home to fight you!
Another example of how real life can mirror WoW, raiding. Raiding is when you get a group of 10 or 25 people together to defeat bosses in dungeons and shit. The real world equivalence would be gathering 10 or 25 of your friends, but there is a catch..you need group composition. For sake of explanation its a group of 10. You need 2 people to hold the boss's attention while 5 or 6 of your friends (karate kids, wrestlers, mobsters, boxers, MMA fighters) beat him down...sounds easy of enough.. lastly you need a couple of doctors, nurses or medics to heal everyone during this brawl. So you gather this group and you decide to raid a mental asylum or a prison. You then go around fighting all the inmates and officers..and the final boss is the Warden or head of the mental asylum.. This could all work the same for invading a country and killing their leader I suppose.
This is kind of what it would be like in real life... attacking snowmen...Good God i'm glad i'm not these nerds
While looking up Videos to throw into this blog I couldnt help but stumble on videos of this game ruining others lives. This one cracks me up:
Moreover, i've never understood why it was such a big thing that girls played video games or WoW but i can only imagine whenever a girl plays this game...every time they get a level or something this is what they do . Also I remember my friend telling me that one of his friends said to his gf, "You would be wife material if you would play WoW with me" Oddly enough she took this as a compliment...I cant imagine why.
Another classic as the Hitler scene has been dubbed and re-dubbed over and over again for just about every situation:
In summation, the parallels between WoW (as well as other RPGs) is uncanny. But what if by some chance that was what real life was like? Pretty "vanilla" (WoW term thats used to describe the game in its simplest days) if you were to ask me.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If twilight were a dude, he'd be a bitch.
Im sure this blog could have been written long ago, but it wasnt until recently that I actually caught glimpse of a scene that made me want to rip this shit out of this series. I can only imagine how many people I have pissed off just from that one opening sentence. Just so you know I have prepared for a 5 year war against the teenage females across the globe. I have a moat of campers surrounding my house...seriously I do. And Ive got two attack dogs!
There they are in red!!! (or green if you are color-blind.)
He's the nice one, old man is a grouch and crazy.
Down to business. Here are a list of reasons why I hate Twilight:
1. Its geared toward young teenage girls
2. Edward Cullen
3. The werewolf guy who dislike Ed
4. IT IGNORES ALL THE CONVENTIONAL VAMPIRE MYTHS AND SUCH!!
5. IT IGNORES ALL THE CONVENTIONAL WEREWOLF MYTHS AND SUCH!!
Vampires have very strict rules to their existence such as...drinking blood, no going out in day light, sensitive to garlic water, shape shifting, super powers and get owned by van hellsing. Its ridiculous that in the stupid movie twilight they can go out in daylight, but they sparkle!! What is this Fairyland!? Give me a fucking break. And then you have werewolf who can shape shift without the moon!!! Those arent werewolfs...they are animorphs!!! It would have been so much better if the books were left alone. At least with harry potter the movies are half decent...(half decent because i dont care for harry, nor have i seen much of the movies.) Point be made, vampires dont sparkle!!
Welll thats not a wolf clearly, but you get the idea.
Twilight takes away from such vampire classics such as: Interview with the Vampire, Queen of the Damned, Dracula, and I guess Ill throw underworld in there, but thats a reach.
In a fight between say Lestat (Interview with the vampire, Queen of the Damned) Ed.
Maybe the video wasnt clear, but here is what the people of youtube say:
He's the nice one, old man is a grouch and crazy.
Down to business. Here are a list of reasons why I hate Twilight:
1. Its geared toward young teenage girls
2. Edward Cullen
3. The werewolf guy who dislike Ed
4. IT IGNORES ALL THE CONVENTIONAL VAMPIRE MYTHS AND SUCH!!
5. IT IGNORES ALL THE CONVENTIONAL WEREWOLF MYTHS AND SUCH!!
Vampires have very strict rules to their existence such as...drinking blood, no going out in day light, sensitive to garlic water, shape shifting, super powers and get owned by van hellsing. Its ridiculous that in the stupid movie twilight they can go out in daylight, but they sparkle!! What is this Fairyland!? Give me a fucking break. And then you have werewolf who can shape shift without the moon!!! Those arent werewolfs...they are animorphs!!! It would have been so much better if the books were left alone. At least with harry potter the movies are half decent...(half decent because i dont care for harry, nor have i seen much of the movies.) Point be made, vampires dont sparkle!!
Welll thats not a wolf clearly, but you get the idea.
Twilight takes away from such vampire classics such as: Interview with the Vampire, Queen of the Damned, Dracula, and I guess Ill throw underworld in there, but thats a reach.
In a fight between say Lestat (Interview with the vampire, Queen of the Damned) Ed.
Maybe the video wasnt clear, but here is what the people of youtube say:
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Got Woodhead??
Danny Woodhead entered the NFL in 2008 as an undrafted free agent. Later signed by the New York Jets, released and claimed by the New England Patriots..he has quickly became a fan favorite. So much so you cant find his jersey in a reasonable size or at a reasonable price (My surrounding area keep in mind, Taunton). I was able to find jerseys, replicas for 115$, and I was able to find 2XL authentics at a reasonable price. Funny thing is, weeks prior to the holiday season you could find his jersey in all sized at the normal price... Here is the reason why you can no longer:
He is a real trooper in this video. Posing as the impostor known as "Dan" he takes a fair verbal schlacking and borderline sexual assault. Poor guy has to try and talk himself up as a like-able guy, withstanding the insult of "being too little" In all fairness most guys have been called "too little" whether it be deserving or not. All said and done, I think Dan did a good job at describing receiving such insult, "salt on the wound" As a fellow retail salesman here are some things that Dan could have done better: No one cares if he is a likeable guy, for example..TO, Vick, Phillip Rivers all douche bags and they sell jerseys. Dan needs a better battle strategy like flirting with the females or relating to the guys. Tell the customer that you bought one for you mom, brother or someone close and how excited they were and how much they love it.
On a side note "He has to have it. Has to have Woodhead. Has to have Woodhead. No one else will do." To me that sounds more like a sexual fantasy that has to be taken care of. Ill be fucking pissed if Dan goes missing from the playoffs. And as i sit here i envision some guy sitting in his closet with shrine like the one Olga from "Hey Arnold" has of Arnold. Im not sure if its made of bubble gum or not (this guys shrine) but hes prolly wearing his jersey while holding the statue and watching woodhead college highlights or something. Ill stop there because there is no need to go further.
Lastly, I feel relieved that Bob and I are not the only ones who are afraid of buying a jersey in fear of the player being traded. The last 2 jerseys I have purchased are Richard Seymour and Boney-Maroney. Granted both were on the team for at least a season after i bought it..but its all the same. In hind sight, im not mad that Maroney got traded, I wasnt even a fan..I thought it was cool to own a jersey of a guy who was nicknamed the African Monster coming out of college.
He is a real trooper in this video. Posing as the impostor known as "Dan" he takes a fair verbal schlacking and borderline sexual assault. Poor guy has to try and talk himself up as a like-able guy, withstanding the insult of "being too little" In all fairness most guys have been called "too little" whether it be deserving or not. All said and done, I think Dan did a good job at describing receiving such insult, "salt on the wound" As a fellow retail salesman here are some things that Dan could have done better: No one cares if he is a likeable guy, for example..TO, Vick, Phillip Rivers all douche bags and they sell jerseys. Dan needs a better battle strategy like flirting with the females or relating to the guys. Tell the customer that you bought one for you mom, brother or someone close and how excited they were and how much they love it.
On a side note "He has to have it. Has to have Woodhead. Has to have Woodhead. No one else will do." To me that sounds more like a sexual fantasy that has to be taken care of. Ill be fucking pissed if Dan goes missing from the playoffs. And as i sit here i envision some guy sitting in his closet with shrine like the one Olga from "Hey Arnold" has of Arnold. Im not sure if its made of bubble gum or not (this guys shrine) but hes prolly wearing his jersey while holding the statue and watching woodhead college highlights or something. Ill stop there because there is no need to go further.
Lastly, I feel relieved that Bob and I are not the only ones who are afraid of buying a jersey in fear of the player being traded. The last 2 jerseys I have purchased are Richard Seymour and Boney-Maroney. Granted both were on the team for at least a season after i bought it..but its all the same. In hind sight, im not mad that Maroney got traded, I wasnt even a fan..I thought it was cool to own a jersey of a guy who was nicknamed the African Monster coming out of college.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My New Years Endeavors In Boston Recapped.
Only because no one else will sing to me. Whatever.
I spent last night in Boston... to say the least I'm glad I got all my bad decisions out last night and can start anew this year..perfect timing. Here is the recap of my night.
Arrive in Boston at 430-5ish and go visit my friends dad for a little bit. From there (Beth Israel Hospital) we decided it would not be a bad idea to walk to the hotel (poor life decision 1) which was on the other end of Tremont ST. The numbers started at 1900 and we walked to 247. What we have in the making here is a Canterbury Tale. Get to the hotel at about 615, I vastly under estimated that complexity and length of time it would take me to traverse the rugged terrain of Boston.
So I meet up with couple more friends to go meet another friend..Here I'm thinking we are gonna go hang out with this person (poor life decision 2), however that was not the case fore we simply walked about 3 miles or more simply to just say hello and I smiled and watched as they had 1 cigarette. Get back to the hotel at about 730ish.
View from the room--
Okay boring stuff is done and out of the way...I swear this gets better. Now, we are questioning whether or not the open bar will have enough liquor and beer to last the night, so we decide just to be safe to go find a liquor store. However, we were unaware the closest one was over a mile away (poor life decision 3--We are striking out at this point). Being the smart college degree adults we are we think we can simply walk into our hotel holding a brown paper bag, which is not the case (dumb decision 4). So we walk around the corner and are standing in a playground pouring our liquor into smaller bottles to smuggle in. At this point I feel like I'm in high school again.
Fast forward an hour or so, we arrive at the venue which was an old church converted into a ballroom or something. I wish I took a picture. However, I did take notes on my phone so I wouldnt forget anything. Walking in its your typical church and what not, the main room obviously had all the pews removed. There was a stage with a black cover band playing a lot of Michael Jackson. In my opinion there is not better way to start a party than with some Michael Jackson.
Here are my notes word for word, spelling mistakes included: Church, girl in tutu, black band playing michael jackson, pews, lots of jeans and suit jackets and girls w sequins, big screen on ceilling...walking forever to get booze and cant bring it in, walking 15 miles in 3 hours, putting alcohol in sprite (I guess this has nothing to do with the church and me being there, but it was so i didnt forget).
So Ive covered that we were in a church, drinking and such...seems like an oxymoron or something to be drinking and such in a church. So inside the ballroom area or w.e you want to call it there were stairs leading upto where the organ used to be, but along the sides surrounding the room there were still pews to sit and hang. I thought that was interesting.
So while I was upstairs creeping on the crowd i noticed a girl wearing a tutu like dress. Im wondering whether she just escaped the mental ward or she is way above the fashion curve. In all fairness, she was not far from looking like Jim Carey in the mental ward scene from Ace Ventura. Conversely there was not a whole lot of diversity amongst the male population in terms of attire. There was not a whole lot more going on other than Jeans-Suit jacket, or classic Jeans-Button down shirt. Im glad i broke from the crowd and wore a button down with a sweater over it. There were very few of us rocking that look.
Okay, touched on the band, but above the band was a projection of some screen, and it was an interesting idea to put the picture on the ceiling...who looks at the ceiling when youre trying to party..I suppose the only time you would stop and look would be if 1. youre bored or anti-social 2. nervous because you lack social skills 3. fell on your ass while on the dance floor.
So at some point in the night I met a female on the dance floor. One thing led to another and plain and simple I got cougar'd. Yep, it happened. I was seduced by a 32 (exact age I dont remember, but she was 30+) year old woman. Luckily for my Ducks Stick Together and it didnt go any further than kissing.
In summation: I walked 15 or so miles, got cougar'd, ate amazing chinese food, re-enacted The Canterbury tale with a real life excursion and Had a Great New Years/ Birthday Celebration.
To the friends we have, and the friends we will never forget.
DEUCES
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